Love and great intimacy expand and improve when hearts are open and continue to open more to each other.
Women and men perceive open-heart connection at different levels. Women have an intuitive ability to clearly know when a man is approaching her with his heart open. Often men are feeling an attraction, feeling the blood rushing toward their sex organ and thinking about how to approach the woman to get something they strongly desire. Their mind and body are active and their heart is not open. This approach is not exciting to a woman. She can feel the difference of whether the man is looking at all of her qualities and he is open, or if he is horny and thinking about seeing her naked. A man may not be aware of his approach, but a woman whose heart is open knows by the way her body feels while he approaches her.
Although women want to be desired, and occasionally they will accept desire instead of holding out for the heart connection, what really turns them on, and allows a woman to fully surrender to sexual pleasure, is feeling safe with a present-in-the-moment, open-hearted lover. If he is not present with her needs, and fails to really see her, she will not feel the safety required to fully let go into blissful surrender.
Orgasm for a woman is surrendering to her lover’s touch, desire and advances. Because they are so often looked upon by men strictly for their own pleasure, women become guarded against that type of energy. Being thought of as a sex object is a real turn-off to a woman whose heart is open and who wants to connect with her lover.
If you are having any challenges with being turned down by your woman, then the cause is likely twofold. First, the masculine-feminine balance is thrown off. We will address this in another chapter. Or, secondly, you are not coming to her with your heart open, fully present and aware of her. It could easily be a combination of these issues.
Without even realizing what they are sensing, women feel when you can really see them. Seeing a woman means that you notice her reactions. You are feeling and sensing her receptivity to your approach. If a woman pushes you away, verbally or physically, you have already missed her signals. When you are present, you know her needs; you interact with her, not upon her.
Your lack of being present with her and connecting with her many times happens before you reach the bedroom. If you are checking out when you get home, retracting into your own silence to unwind from a stressful day, and only want your woman’s attention moments before you drift off to sleep, you will cause her to build resentment. Her need for sex is largely about her need to feel your heart. Without that component, she senses she is being used for sex, which feels demeaning and disrespectful to her. She will experience a terrible feeling inside of her body that is difficult for her to articulate. All she knows is that if the connection part does not show up soon, she will not feel safe with you and walls will go up to keep her heart protected.
For men, open-heart connection may take some practice and focused awareness. Practice giving your partner a hug while you feel her heart with your heart. Relax your chest and feel or imagine your heart opening to her. Hold the embrace for a few minutes as you connect with her, heart to heart. She will naturally relax the more she can feel your heart.
Additionally, picture your heart open to her before you approach her for a kiss or any touch. Be present with her reaction to you. Notice her subtle responses.
Surrendering to your lover with an open heart and experiencing great orgasms requires removing the barriers you have built, like the walls you may have against love. Walls are built for many reasons.
Here are a few:
- Childhood trauma that you haven’t let go of.
- Feeling disconnected with your partner.
- Feeling that your partner is not present with you.
- Feeling exhausted from working hard and needing to reserve some energy for survival. Not having enough energy to give to your partner.
- Feeling overwhelmed.
- Feeling not safe financially or physically.
- Tension, worry and a lot of mental energy.
Learn to be aware of your tension and practice letting it go with many relaxation techniques. I know, I know, easier said than done. As a woman, you may battle with this your whole life. It may take a lifetime to learn to accept what is and not allow it to cause you distress. Knowing that this is the goal, you can work toward less resistance.