Women are pleasure creatures. Our senses are more sensitive than men. In general, women have more discerning taste for food, can see more colors and distinguish between colors, we have far more sensitive... READ MORE
Inner relationship stress can greatly limit your intimate pleasure and prevent an orgasm on a particular night. It could be caused by emotional tension or negative thoughts, but it will stop you from... READ MORE
Women, you are caring, connecting, imaginative beings that brings joy, love and life to the planet. You offer insight, intuition and softness, compassion and beauty. You have the power to shine your sensual expression,... READ MORE
Being penetrated body, heart and soul requires your lover to do some considerable probing while you open at a profoundly personal level. Giving your man access to your innermost lusciousness requires your security... READ MORE
Today we face a common problem between couples. Unintentionally, and unbeknownst to many women, they are taking power from their mate. Although they are attracted to their man for his masculine qualities, such... READ MORE
Women are pleasure creatures. Our senses are more sensitive than men. In general, women have more discerning taste for food, can see more colors and distinguish between colors, we have far more sensitive skin and emotions. Nature didn’t stop there. A woman’s clitoris has twice as many nerve endings than a man’s penis. Those nerve endings are there for a reason!!
We have more sensual preferences, whether it is touch, smell, taste or esthetics. We tend to like things soft, or warm, tasty, or smooth, beautiful, colorful and so on. To assume that sex would be any different than everyday preferences is incorrect. Women have the ability to feel so much during sex, on their skin, with their keen sense of smell and taste, and with the intense amount of nerve endings we have been given; 8,000 on the clitoris alone.
When a man brings a woman to bed and fails to play her fine-tuned instrument for all of her sensual exquisite ability, he misses one of the greatest opportunities he could experience, and so does she!
There are many, many reasons to make sex all about her, but I will just name five important ones;
- When a woman has a full body orgasm, 80 areas of her brain light up, which is more than from any other human activity. Daniel Amens, The Brain in Love. This resets the brain like a computer reboot and she feels and functions better.
- When a woman has full body pleasure, she wants to come back to the bedroom for more, meaning her man will receive fewer rejections. When he brings her great pleasure he avoids having sex with a woman who didn’t enjoy it, which is more common than men realize.
- Orgasm releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. When a woman has a great orgasm she is drawn closer to, and feels more love for, her man.
- When a woman has good orgasm her vagina contracts rapidly giving her partner more stimulation and great pleasure.
- Focusing on a woman will give a man everything he wants and more. For several reasons a man will experience more satisfying sexual fun when he has pleased his woman, brought her to full orgasm and giving her the pleasure she deserves and is designed to receive. His reward is not just physical; he will feel better about his abilities and himself.
When I say a great orgasm, or a full body orgasm, I am not talking about an orgasm just from stimulating the tip of the clitoris. I don’t advocate stopping at a clitoral orgasm and that is why I write in detail about how to fill the clitoris with blood so a woman can experience the many pleasures and different types of orgasms, for she is capable of so many.
The tip of the clitoris is only a fraction of the whole organ. It is a large internal organ with the visible tip a faction of the whole. To learn more about the clitoris, research it on the internet, or read more of my articles and books.
Don’t miss out on your God-given purpose for great pleasure. You and your man will benefit in more ways than you can imagine.
Inner relationship stress can greatly limit your intimate pleasure and prevent an orgasm on a particular night. It could be caused by emotional tension or negative thoughts, but it will stop you from having fun. Yes, it is possible to have a good orgasm while you are feeling some angst, provided that your brain doesn’t get in your way, but you won’t have a great orgasm, or the Big O, while you’re tense. Big, bad orgasms require you to LET GO. You must release, relax, breathe, be present, enjoy, release, open, breathe, relax, open, yes, yes, yes, that’s the way!!
That is difficult to do with a headache, neck ache, stomach ache or whatever aches when you are holding tension. Tension is resistance, even when it is directed at a partner. As much as possible it is important to except your partner for who he is and allow him to act like a man.
I know, I know; easier said than done. It may take your lifetime, perhaps, to learn to accept who your partner is and what he does, and not allow it to cause you distress. Knowing that this is the goal, you can work towards less resistance.
Your man can help you release tension by providing a safe, comfortable, non-judgmental environment for you to express yourself and your needs. In order for you to truly shine your feminine beauty, you must feel safe in expressing your unique, amazing, ever-changing, beautiful self without judgment.
Men sometimes think that they know what is best for you, but occasionally their ideas limit who you are naturally. You will want to balance what your lover thinks is best for you with your own decisions. It is a process to be honed and practiced between couples.
Practice letting things go. If you hold on to every little offense and some of the big ones, you will destroy your health, happiness and sex life completely. Learn to let it go. Release, relax, breathe, open, and achieve bliss! Life is short. Love is hard to find. Look for the good in life. Acknowledge the good in your man and overlook his shortcomings!
When you fell in love with your man you fell for a reason, other than simple magnetism. The man you fell in love with was your hero in some way, like a white knight on a great white horse. He was going to be a great father, or he was intelligent and stimulating to you, or he was going to provide for you, or he could have taught you things you didn’t know. You fell in love because of something that man represented to you. Your man fell in love for a different reason. He fell in love because of how you made him feel physically and emotionally.
The problem is that as you struggle to communicate with each other, your man inevitably will disappoint you. It will happen. When he isn’t the greatest father that you pictured, or he doesn’t provide well for you, he makes a big mistake, or he doesn’t do whatever thing that you thought you fell in love with, he falls off the white horse that you put him on. That is a big deal, because you may not know how to get him back on that horse so that you can feel good about him again. You may not even understand why you don’t love him anymore.
So, before you let expectations ruin a loving relationship, see if you can’t find another great reason to love the man you were attracted to instead of finding a new man. I guarantee that the next one has a very high chance of falling of the white horse too. You may not know how to keep him on the horse in your mind, so keep him on the horse in your heart by noticing his great qualities all the time. If you can’t get him on the horse, you won’t want to make love to him. I wish it were not true, but this is a fact that is helpful to know. Love your man even when he not your hero. Help him climb back on the horse.
Here are some exercises for you: Make the following commitments to yourself:
I will allow my partner to be a man. I will love him for who he is and appreciate his qualities.
List your partner’s qualities on a piece of paper. Looking at his qualities written down is far more powerful than just thinking about them.
You are going to experience tension. I can nearly guarantee it. So have a quick list of ways to release tension so that you are relaxed when you want to get close to your partner.
Here are some suggested Ways to Release Tension
- Take a hot bath. Hot water will do wonders for you. Something about washing shifts the mood too, as if you are washing away the burdens of the day. Being in water is also very grounding, which helps considerable when you are tense.
- Massage. Of course! You desire to be touched in a non-sexual way. Being touched shifts your focus to your body, helps you relax, moves energy freely through your body and stimulates breathing.
- Lie down. You can become overwhelmed. Sometimes you may not know when to say enough is enough. If you feel stressed, rest, clear your mind. Let everything go for a while.
- Write down your feelings. Strangely enough studies show that talking to friends about our problems doesn’t improve our mood. Yet, writing about them does. It has a different effect on the brain because it engages a different area. Next time you want to tell your girlfriends about a problem, consider writing about it. You will feel better.
- Watch a movie. Distraction is good. Let then tension go for now.
- Have sex. Sometimes tension in the body is sexual tension that you didn’t realize that’s what is was.
- Laughter releases tension. Laugh hard and laugh often. Hold nothing back! Laughter is good exercise and fills you with oxygen. It releases good chemicals. When you laugh it exercises your vaginal muscles. Try laughing while you feel your vagina with your fingers. When a man is being funny and making you laugh, he is sending blood to your vagina and making it contract. Your vagina contracts along with your vocal cords, even while you talk. J
- Exercise; it releases built-up energy.
- Scream, cry, make noise, and let the frustration out in a sound. These activities increase circulation in the body and move energy. They also stimulate the vaginal walls to move and receive blood.
- Light some candles and listen to nice music.
- Take a gentle walk.
- Do a favorite activity such as read a book, sew, or do a puzzle.
The point here is that there are many ways to bring the mind down and breathe in a relaxed state. If you can do this in the evening before going to bed, you will be much more open for sex and orgasm. If you are unable to let go, and you try to control how things around you are going, it will get in the way of great orgasms and bonding with your partner.
One last note on tension: When you are tense, it is a bad time to speak with your partner. Please use one of the relaxation techniques before you converse with your partner on a sensitive subject. You might even want to write about it first. Hopefully your man can handle holding the garbage bag while you vomit your emotions at him. But how wonderful would it be for your relationship if he didn’t see you emotionally vomiting often?
One last exercise: Make this commitment– I will accept what I cannot change without allowing it to upset me and cause tension.
List two examples of things that commonly upset you that you will accept as out of your control to change and that you will not allow to upset you.
Focus on positive thoughts and have more sex. It is good for your health and your relationship!
Climaxing turns out to be one of the healthiest activities you can do. Dr. Daniel Amens, author and foremost researcher on the brain explains that when a woman has a full orgasm, eighty areas of her brain light up on a scan, more than any other human activity.
Sometimes for us ladies it is good to be reminded that sex is good for our health, well-being, looks, and heart. It’s possible to adjust our attitude and forgo a few more minutes of sleep or watching another TV show in lieu of some good romping in the hay, all in the name of healthy living.
Men do not need to be told the benefits of love-making. Their needs and desires are proof enough to them of the importance of being intimate. Having excellent orgasms is a huge motivation for them. If you could have huge releasing orgasms each time you had intercourse, then you would want more sex too.
In addition to the possibility of great pleasure, sex IS important for many other reasons. Here is a list of a few of the many benefits of having sex and orgasms.
- Studies show that regular ejaculation in men is better for the prostate and lowers a man’s risk of prostate cancer and that women who have more frequent orgasms live longer. The Brain in Love Daniel G Amen M.D.
- Sex increases oxygen in the body.
- Sex increases your heart rate and improves heart health.
- Sex releases mood enhancing chemicals such as endorphins and oxytocin.
- Regular sex improves loving relationships. Your love life is as important as your relationship. Many relationships dry up and fade away without regular sex. Sex creates a stronger, deeper bond for you and for him. Sex is a need for males, as much as feeling connected and loved is for us.
- Sex can relieve a headache, stress and other tension related pain. An orgasm releases oxytocin which is a natural pain reliever. Next time you have pain, go to bed, with your partner. With a headache it is most affective to have sex when the headache is beginning and not after it has developed into something grand. Often sex is not an option when a headache initiates. If you are at dinner and a tension headache begins, you can’t exactly grab your partner and run off to the bedroom. You could consider excusing yourself to the restroom and masturbate. The release of sexual tension often will alleviate other tension in the body. This technique may not work with headaches that are not caused by tension, such as migraines or dehydration headaches.
- Sex boosts your immune system. Swapping saliva and bodily fluids boosts your immune response.
- Sex increases circulation.
- Sex burns two hundred calories in thirty minutes.
- Sex builds a bonding connection with oxytocin.
- Sex builds self-esteem and confidence by helping you feel desirable and sexier. Boosting self-esteem was one of 237 reasons why people have sex according to research conducted by University of Texas and published in Archives of Sexual Behavior.
- Sex strengthens the pelvic floor muscle and helps with bladder control.
- Sex helps you sleep better.
- Sex creates relaxation.
- Regular sex helps you produce more testosterone and sexual desire. That’s right, you have testosterone too and it is what makes us want more sex. Use it or lose it.
- Sex releases emotional aggression. It is much more than a physical release.
- Sex keeps menstrual periods more regular.
- Sex slows the aging process according to Secrets of the Super young, neurophysiologist David Weeks, M.D., of Scotland’s Royal Edinburgh Hospital, with regular sex shaving 4 to 7 years off your appearance.
- Sex increases the pleasure you get out of life, physically, mentally and emotionally.
- Sex creates healthier hair, skin, nails for both of you and healthier sperm for him.
- Sex accesses deep parts of your authenticity through breaking down your walls, inhibitions and self-doubt. When a man can really see and open you, he can unlock the doors to your inner chambers to reveal your radiance.
- Sex can bring you to higher consciousness through moving Kundalini energy up the body and sending powerful energy from your lower chakra to your highest chakra.
With the exception of sexually transmitted diseases, there are no negative side effects of consenting sex. So have more sex. It is super good for you!!
For more details about the benefits of sex, see my book, Your Secret Chamber.
Write down which of these benefits you would like to gain from having more sex.
Women, you are caring, connecting, imaginative beings that brings joy, love and life to the planet. You offer insight, intuition and softness, compassion and beauty. You have the power to shine your sensual expression, which includes your creativity. Empowering yourself means accepting and expressing your inner light and your imagination.
Sex rewards us with far more than pleasure; especially orgasms! Studies show that sex raises your mood, lowers your stress level, increases oxygen throughout the body, stimulates the brain and is good for your heart. The benefits are numerous. You can take charge of your own sexuality and enjoy higher and higher levels of pleasure, and discover more about yourself in the process.
An overlooked advantage of sexual bonding is your ability to open up to your authentic and creative expression caused by opening up your body to your lover. It’s true, orgasm stimulates your brain and relaxes areas that would otherwise keep you from being more expressive. Deepak Chopra said, “Creativity is ultimately sexual…”
Continually we are discovering profound revelations that the ancients new thousands of years ago. One such example is the new understanding of how sex stirs the flow of energy from the pelvic floor all the way to the brain. One name the ancients used for this energy was Kundalini, which runs along the seven major chakras. The startling news is that the sexual chakra is also the creativity center.
You are a complex, emotional being who is often misunderstood. You can struggle to understand yourself. A loving partner, who truly sees you, can make you feel safe to open up to the radiant, enchanting, expressive creature that you are. Through lovemaking he can break down your walls so you can be the woman that you are capable of being. Sexual intercourse with a man accesses and stirs energy deep within you. When you trust and let down your walls, your man can penetrate to the depths of you to assist in bringing forth your inner essence. Together you two can find the sweet nectar within you. He can open doors to your inner soul that you won’t find on your own. If you can see yourself through his loving eyes, suddenly you are empowered to express all that you can radiate.
Enjoy orgasm without a partner has some benefits as well. All orgasms fuel and invigorate the brain. If you don’t have a partner, don’t let that stop you form giving your creativity a boost!
Note:Talking about intimacy helps you be less inhibited so you can express your sensual self.
The more you read, talk about, hear about, or educate yourself about sex, the more open minded you are about it. When you know that other people do something you haven’t tried, then you may feel that you have permission to try that too. The more broad-minded you are to great intimacy, the less you are hiding the real you. Open your mind, heart and body to sexual pleasure and your soul and imagination will blossom.
Being penetrated body, heart and soul requires your lover to do some considerable probing while you open at a profoundly personal level. Giving your man access to your innermost lusciousness requires your security clearance, but provides you valuable benefits:
- He will touch more of your inner essence, creating closeness for more bonding.
- He will stimulate your cognition with a delicious neurochemical bath.
- He will afford you the elusive pleasure from the deepest penetration.
The treasure you seeks is concealed behind the cervix, wherein hides a secret chamber of sex heaven. To make this magic happen, you must first be with a man that makes you feel totally safe, so you will be able to give him the key to your vault. Next, you will require a lot of stimulation in order to fill the clitoris with blood. This thirsty organ is far larger than anyone knew–recent research reveals through ultrasound that it wraps around your velvet purse and extends from its hood to your bottom. To expand to its full potential, you will require lots of exciting touch. As you become fully aroused, vestibules inside the clit engorge it from tip to tail and your cervix pulls out of the way of the penetrating force, opening the doorway to the furthest reaches of your cozy cave. This mystical chamber rarely receives the attention it desires, but when it does, you will discover a Xanadu of pleasure as muscles in this palace are able to enfold your lover’s organ in a tight suction.
The art of deep sex is your valentine exploring you inch by inch, from your eyes to your thighs, appreciating your softness with skilled, roaming hands while inhaling your scent and maneuvering your body as you collapse into a sea of bliss. When your body is enlivened from head to toe, a myriad of biochemical transformations enable an ecstatic delight, blossoming your flower. An impetuous lover with time constraints will not discover your inner radiance, as it requires attentive sensuality.
For your part, you must trust, relax, open, get out of your head and succumb to your lover.
Your man must be fully present while he gives you extensive foreplay before entering you and probing thoroughly, pausing momentarily again and again in your deepest place. He should go slowly and allow you to enjoy, until your body peaks in pleasure and experiences the rapturous pleasure.
This ecstasy is not recommended for casual sex, as enjoying your lover with this amount of awareness goes beyond normal lovemaking and require of a high degree of trust. Enjoy the adventure, even if it means trying several times before you succeed.
Does your man zones out during love making? If he does, you may feel an immediate disconnect, which is a big turn-off. More than any other time, you desire your man to be conscientious of you when he is touching your bare skin. When your man is attentive, noticing your needs and your responses to his kiss and caress, you feel the ultimate connection. When fully present, your man will help you feel safer because you can sense his heart and intentions.
You’re responsive to his level of attentiveness because your heart and emotions are senders and receivers of detailed information you can’t necessarily see with your eyes. Your senses are heightened when you and your partner are close together. Energy is exchanged as your field mixes and merges with his. It is a beautiful feeling, and allows you to reach a deeper knowing of each other than in any other type of exchange.
This level of closeness requires that you’re cognizant as well. If you’re remembering past events or imagining the future, you are not in the moment at hand. Being present is more than self-awareness. It requires perceiving your partner in an acute way, building movement to and fro. Additionally, as you become more able to connect your mind with your body, you can perceive what feels good to you sexually.
You desire connection with your partner and being noticed by him in order to be receptive to the deepest kind of intimacy. Feeling bonded with your man occurs throughout the day and not just in the bedroom, which helps you to feel relaxed enough to receive his body and penetration. Your man might check out when he initially gets home, retracting into his own silence to unwind from a stressful day, and may only want physical affection moments before he drifts off to sleep, but this may build resentment in you. You desire him to be aware and connected with you during the day in order to have a great experience in the bedroom. Your desire for sex is largely about your need to feel a emotional connection. Without that component, you feel as if you are left emotionally empty and possibly used.
Share your desire for your partner to truly see you and have his heart available to you during love making. Ask him to practice until you can feel him present.
Try these exercises to develop more awareness:
- Spend several minutes staring into your partner’s eyes. Begin with one minute and work your way up. Notice what you feel. Try eye gazing while holding hands. Is he unlocking his heart to you, or does he have walls up? Notice how his gaze makes you feel.
- Close your eyes and practice feeling your body. Tune out the world and listen to your rhythm. You may be able to hear sounds from your body such as your breath or heartbeat. Do you have tension anywhere? Do you feel any pain? How is your breathing? Is it deep or shallow? Notice every part of your body.
- Take turns touching each other and watching the other respond to your caress. Focus on the other person’s face and subtle movements. Without talking, see if you can both discover what each other likes best. Then share openly about the experience.
You may think that the deepest way into your man’s heart is naked in bed, but if you want your man to truly fall in love, he needs something from you when your clothes are on; respect and admiration. Your need for his attention is equal in importance to his need to feel admirable in your eyes. Your man also seeks your kindness.
From the time of their boyhood, men live in a world where they hear, “No, don’t do that.”
- Don’t run in here.
- Don’t touch that.
- Don’t cry.
- Stop teasing your sister.
In adulthood it becomes:
- Don’t put your feet, socks, shoes, plate, or whatever, there.
- Slow down, you’re driving too fast.
- Your too rough, smelly, hairy, inappropriate, loud.
- You’re insensitive.
Men often feel that they can’t win for trying. Their everyday interactions are not soft and forgiving. Women get hugs from their girlfriends, a listening ear, sympathy when they are in pain, and people in the community are often kind to them. Men are told “toughen up” when they are injured, and they are not usually getting hugs and “attaboy” from friends or co-workers. As a result, men appreciate the kindness they receive from their lady as a relief from the harsh world they experience outside of the home.
If a man is not treated with respect and kindness at home, he will withdrawal and place barriers between himself and his lady to protect himself. This is not the only reason he might protect his heart, but this caring acceptance is the number one need of a man in order for him to open up his heart and take a risk through honest intimacy.
Many times women feel that their man does not deserve respect simply because they don’t understand his actions or like everything that he does. It is important for women to recognize that men naturally act and behave far differently than women. They will never respond the way women will, even if that’s what women expect them to do.
Men must be appreciated for their male qualities, for the things that they do differently than a woman.
If you don’t appreciate your man and you are trying to change him into the guy you want, you will find it difficult to do. If you force your man to change from who he is, you will emasculate him. Once he has become who you want him to be, and lost all of his power, then you won’t find him attractive. You may love him as a friend and even like him a lot, but he won’t light your fire like he did when he was authentic and powerful. Alternatively you also have the option to encourage him to be the best he can be.
Your interest in your partner will diminish as you see him becoming less masculine. You may think it is wonderful to see his softer side, have him spend less time with the boys fishing and watching sports. You might like him doing chores at home, but the more that you encourage your man to be less himself and more tolerable to you, the less attractive you will find him in the long run.
With less power, he will lose his natural sexual drive and desire because he is no longer being authentic. He may initiate sex less often and even withdraw from touching and interacting through contact.
Out of 26 countries polled, America is ranked 24th for how many times per week on average couples have sex. There is a serious epidemic in the decline in sexual interaction. Yet sex is how the male bonds with his partner. It is essential in a healthy relationship.
Ladies, you want deep, lasting love. Your man’s heart connects through attraction and sex. He is built that way and we are not going to change that. During sex, hormones are released that bond him with you over time. The more climaxes he has with you, the deeper he falls. Take away attraction and the sex will decrease; so will the bonding.
Bonding begins with him feeling your respect and appreciation so he feels safe in opening his heart to you and connecting with you through deep intimacy. Instead of making him wrong, be his greatest fan!
Today we face a common problem between couples. Unintentionally, and unbeknownst to many women, they are taking power from their mate. Although they are attracted to their man for his masculine qualities, such as strength, leadership, cognitive skills, and stamina, women accidentally emasculate little by little in small ways. As a result, they notice their man is less virile and not acting like the leader and white knight that they desire and find charming.
Ways that women emasculate men:
• “Why did you do that?” (Questioning her man)
• “Don’t turn here. It is quicker to take route 12 to route 9.” (Directing her man)
• “No thanks. I can do it myself.” (Not allowing her man to be her hero)
• “I don’t want you to go backcountry skiing with Roger. You two are not careful when you are together and I worry all day.” (Doubting her man’s abilities)
• “I need you home by 6:00 every night.” (Controlling her man)
Taking away small amounts of power from a man adds up over time. You can shift the energy back to supporting your man for who he is, but it doesn’t happen in a day. It is a shift that requires effort on both sides.
Generally, women want a capable man, not a less mighty one, which means they need to inspire and support their men. Empowering men begins with rewarding them for their efforts. They don’t see the point of doing things they don’t like unless they receive recognition or benefit. Emasculation is removing their power and their rewards.
Video games and sports offer men points for every correct step they take. If they mess up on a video game, they can always push the reset button and begin again without judgment. You can learn to interact with your man in a way that makes sense to him.
Ways to empower and motivate your man:
• Give him an “A” for effort. If he is trying, show your appreciation by giving him points, such as your smile or a thank you.
• Compliment him for his accomplishments.
• Express confidence in his abilities.
• Let him know with your body language how much you appreciate his affection.
• Tell him how you feel as clearly as possible right when you are feeling it, but not in an attacking manner. Take responsibility for your feelings and don’t blame them on him.
• Let him help you. Ask him for help when you need it and express your appreciation.
• Every time he does something nice for you, show appreciation with a smile.
• Express what you need in a clear manner using “I” statements and avoiding “you” statements.
• Let him be himself and have time to do his guy things without feeling guilty.
• Be your full feminine self to compliment his masculine strengths.
You fell in love with your man because of his brawny qualities. Appreciate and support his masculine energy and you will be more attracted to him than ever.
Love and great intimacy expand and improve when hearts are open and continue to open more to each other.
Women and men perceive open-heart connection at different levels. Women have an intuitive ability to clearly know when a man is approaching her with his heart open. Often men are feeling an attraction, feeling the blood rushing toward their sex organ and thinking about how to approach the woman to get something they strongly desire. Their mind and body are active and their heart is not open. This approach is not exciting to a woman. She can feel the difference of whether the man is looking at all of her qualities and he is open, or if he is horny and thinking about seeing her naked. A man may not be aware of his approach, but a woman whose heart is open knows by the way her body feels while he approaches her.
Although women want to be desired, and occasionally they will accept desire instead of holding out for the heart connection, what really turns them on, and allows a woman to fully surrender to sexual pleasure, is feeling safe with a present-in-the-moment, open-hearted lover. If he is not present with her needs, and fails to really see her, she will not feel the safety required to fully let go into blissful surrender.
Orgasm for a woman is surrendering to her lover’s touch, desire and advances. Because they are so often looked upon by men strictly for their own pleasure, women become guarded against that type of energy. Being thought of as a sex object is a real turn-off to a woman whose heart is open and who wants to connect with her lover.
If you are having any challenges with being turned down by your woman, then the cause is likely twofold. First, the masculine-feminine balance is thrown off. We will address this in another chapter. Or, secondly, you are not coming to her with your heart open, fully present and aware of her. It could easily be a combination of these issues.
Without even realizing what they are sensing, women feel when you can really see them. Seeing a woman means that you notice her reactions. You are feeling and sensing her receptivity to your approach. If a woman pushes you away, verbally or physically, you have already missed her signals. When you are present, you know her needs; you interact with her, not upon her.
Your lack of being present with her and connecting with her many times happens before you reach the bedroom. If you are checking out when you get home, retracting into your own silence to unwind from a stressful day, and only want your woman’s attention moments before you drift off to sleep, you will cause her to build resentment. Her need for sex is largely about her need to feel your heart. Without that component, she senses she is being used for sex, which feels demeaning and disrespectful to her. She will experience a terrible feeling inside of her body that is difficult for her to articulate. All she knows is that if the connection part does not show up soon, she will not feel safe with you and walls will go up to keep her heart protected.
For men, open-heart connection may take some practice and focused awareness. Practice giving your partner a hug while you feel her heart with your heart. Relax your chest and feel or imagine your heart opening to her. Hold the embrace for a few minutes as you connect with her, heart to heart. She will naturally relax the more she can feel your heart.
Additionally, picture your heart open to her before you approach her for a kiss or any touch. Be present with her reaction to you. Notice her subtle responses.
Surrendering to your lover with an open heart and experiencing great orgasms requires removing the barriers you have built, like the walls you may have against love. Walls are built for many reasons.
Here are a few:
- Childhood trauma that you haven’t let go of.
- Feeling disconnected with your partner.
- Feeling that your partner is not present with you.
- Feeling exhausted from working hard and needing to reserve some energy for survival. Not having enough energy to give to your partner.
- Feeling overwhelmed.
- Feeling not safe financially or physically.
- Tension, worry and a lot of mental energy.
Learn to be aware of your tension and practice letting it go with many relaxation techniques. I know, I know; easier said than done. As a woman, you may battle with this your whole life. It may take a lifetime to learn to accept what is and not allow it to cause you distress. Knowing that this is the goal, you can work toward less resistance.
A relationship is a dance. As with any dance, one person leads and the other person follows. For the majority of women, they are most comfortable in the follower position, but only once they trust and feel safe.
Women are often found controlling the money, vacation plans, rules of the house and other areas because they do not trust their partner to do it in a way that protects their interests, which also include the interests of their children, if applicable. However, when a woman decides to trust her partner to take care of the areas she doesn’t have to, she can relax and feel cared for and protected. Women most often choose to direct their man and make the rules only in an effort to feel safe. Letting go of control feels amazing, once safety is no longer a concern.
In general, men are comfortable directing in areas that can feel taxing to women. Yet men can only lead the dance if his woman will follow. If a man’s dance partner takes the lead, in order to feel safe, she has stripped her man of his masculine influence. This may be the greatest common factor damaging marriages today! This problem begins when a woman rigidly judges her man’s performance without room for error. As soon as a woman feels a man is doing a bad job, she stops following. There are better responses. The most important thing for woman to learn is how to share with her partner what she needs, so he can provide it.
There are exceptions to the common structure of this dance. Some couples are more balanced with the woman being more masculine in thought and direction while the man is more feminine by following her lead. Polarity, one masculine and one feminine, is the common force in a healthy couple dynamic, so find the polarity that best serves you. For the majority of women, a strong masculine force is preferable, although the modern world may be changing that norm.
Once each partner falls securely into their prospective role as the masculine protector or the yielding feminine radiance, then the relationship can thrive without struggling for power. This must happen at least in part or at times in order for the sexual attraction to be strong. As a result, the woman is less overwhelmed and burdened with the left-brain activities of the masculine leader. She can flourish and be true to her goals and contributions to the world and her marriage. She can use her left brain to contribute instead of to protect.
The number one step that must occur for this dance to work is for the woman to learn to trust her man. If he lies to her, cheats on her or does things to compromise their well-being such as gamble away the income, she will not be able to reach a place of trust and therefore will not be able to be lead. Trust includes honesty; two people being real with each other. Without honesty, trust cannot flourish.
The majority of men, however, are worthy of a woman’s trust, given the right encouragement and opportunity to prove themselves. If a man is truly in love, he is inspired by his woman to be the best man he can be, especially when she encourages him with her respect and kindness.
If your man is what you and your family call a “good guy,” then you can certainly learn to trust him, unless your ability to trust anyone is broken. Sometimes a man may be doing everything he can to earn your trust and be willing to protect you fully, but you won’t allow him because of things that happened before you met him.
Trusting your man is all about vulnerability. Once your man knows every secret about you, then he could manipulate you, or take advantage. That is why you must trust him first in order to show him your vulnerability. Until then, your walls are up, like a tight bud.